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I just spent an entire day doing nothing but watching Season 4 of Grey's Anatomy. Literally. Once you get started with an entire season that you have never seen before it really becomes addicting and those little episode summaries they give you are really just a tease. They make you want to know what happens and how everything turns out, because especially with a show like Grey's you never know the outcome until you watch the entire show. A lot of the episodes are sad, they can make you depressed, especially when you are alone like I am today, but then there are others that made me laugh out loud, and even come close to tears (shocker, i know). No matter how much i try to convince myself that Grey's is an insightful show, which i will admit that it makes me feel like i am doing something somewhat intellectual, i mean i do think it beats MTV or other mindless television that i usually spend time watching during the boring days. I should be spending my time while i am not studying reading my bible or reading an actual novel or exercising or something. It has been a few weeks since i have picked up my bible, which is sort of unusual for me. I haven't come to God as much as a should have these past two weeks. I thought that all this time alone in Clemson would be an especially good time for me to draw closer to God without any other distractions. I have discovered some more good praise and worship music. I have recently come to love Shawn McDonald and all of his music. I have listened to some of his stuff, but it has really been speaking to me recently. However, i do have to argue that watching a show like Grey's Anatomy will make you very thankful to be alive and healthy. Watching the show and seeing that none of the doctors on the show are religious at all makes me even more inclined to want to spread the gospel to others. I just look and think of the difference God could make in some of the lives of these people (even though they aren't real, i mean this all in a hypothetical sense of course). But, the show probably wouldn't get as good of reviews if all of them were bible beaters. It is better for TV if they are all agnostic and don't believe in anything or just have "faith", which is my opinion is a load of crap, but then again i don't control the polls.
I dunno, life is hard, but we get through it. This last week has been trying for me in several different ways. This summer has started off weird and unexpected. I still don't know what to make of it. I'm not good with change. I miss people. I don't like not having the normalcy i am so used to, it does something with my psyche. But, as the song says, "Take my hand to the promise land and on you are on what i stand cause i know i cannot do it on my own. You're what i need and i need to be right by your side, cause i cannot hide, Lord i know that i need you." It is as simple as that. The difficulty is remembering and using that.
Life is Just a Test
(verse)
Long way from home
The yellow lines drone on by
Blinded by the headlights from others until i can't see my path
Wishing my water were a strong margarita
Something to take my mind away from this place
(bridge)
Trapped by my thoughts of you and metal firebird
I urge you to pull on the shoulder and run in anticipation
The anticipation of something that is no longer there
Like a fork in the road unsure of which way to take
(chorus)
Life is just a test
Without a correct answer
Imagination is just a foolish game
Walking only takes you farther away
Only to find a dead end
Life is just a test
(verse)
The road is like a drug
Numbing the pain with the adrenaline of speed and uncertainty
Bursting to the surface gasping for air
The fine line between right and wrong
The hunger for the answers only pushes my farther
(chorus)
-Elizabeth Hedrick 11-11-07
Run
(verse)
Disbelief from you words
Encourage me to cry
Knowing I want more, but i am afraid to speak
Down in my luck once again
I've tried to be patient and trust
I've given the pen from my hand
Refusing the urge to write my own life
My wants are no longer mine
But i am afraid love will never come
(Bridge)
Gazing out into the night
Feeling so guilty for questioning you
Yet feeling so lonely and desperate deep down inside
I long to fall back into you
(chorus)
I want to fun until I can't catch my breath
Stand atop a mountain and scream your name
Drive into darkness without a desination
Push away until I fall to my knees
I want to run
(verse)
I look to your word for the answers
Growing and learning so much about your love and falling deeply into you
But i still find myself silently questioning your will
Looking around and wanting not to feel so lonely
Taking a minute to rest and look at what could be
Pushing myself to my limits to forget this and prove i'm strong
(chorus)
-Elizabeth Hedrick 11-10-07
Ready
(verse)
The pain of waiting
Is a tough test to withstand
Constantly glancing at my watch
Wondering what is taking you so long
The though of you makes it worth the wait
(pre-chorus)
I dream of you at night
I long to clutch your hand
To feel your warmth around me
Your Godliness leave me in awe
I long to hear your voice
To hear you say you love me too
(chorus)
Ready
I'm ready
Love
Is coming
You
You're amazing
Ready
(verse)
What is time?
With you there is none
No rushing to find you
I know you are there
Looking for me too
(chorus)
(chorus 2)
I'm ready
To look into your eyes
Love
To feel that with you
Wait
I will wait until you find me
My heart hidden in Christ
Desire
To call you my man
Ready
-Elizabeth Hedrick
4-26-08
These past two days have really taken a toll on my body and spirit. I am to the point of pure exhaustion. TakeNote's spring show is a week from today and we have been practicing nonstop. No seriously, I was at practice from 8 til 3:30 today and from 2:30-10:30 yesterday. I have so many dance moves and staging positions swimming in my head right now i feel like everything might just drain out of my ears. I long for relief and the feeling of my sanity coming back to my soul. I love spending time with those girls, truly i do, but just looking ahead to all the stuff that needs to get done is simply mind-boggling. I deeply pray that after next saturday I will sit back and think all of this was completely worth it because our show kicked major butt.
Sometimes i feel like the apostle Paul. Eagerly trying to spread the gospel in any way that i can, but everytime i feel like God's people are truly making a difference in lives i find something out that completely breaks my spirit and hope for the world. Now, my "world" mind you is Clemson. I feel like Clemson FCA can start a revolution on this campus through the many ways we minister throughout the community. I have recently felt even stronger that this was actually starting to happen. Then, just yesterday i find out things that make me so dumping mad that i want to scream. I openly hear from people that several girls that are involved in FCA and associate themselves with FCA and Godliness have the audacity not the treat people with the love of Christ. It makes me livid to think that people that claim to know God's word and affirm a belief that God's word should be spread everywhere possible do not even smile at people walking down the hall, or laugh when others screw up at something stupid making that person feel dumb, or act fake and talk about others behind their back, or openly brag about their God given talents. For those of you that don't know what the love of Christ is or how to share it with others i suggest you read the book of Romans. I also suggest you read the book Irrestistable Revolution. It will really open your eyes to what true love means. I just feel like our revolution is constantly taking one step forward and two steps back, simply by people acting like these girls that i found out about yesterday. What people don't understand is people watch you. If they know you are associated with FCA they watch how you act, they watch how you treat others and what type of lifestyle you lead. Then, most of the time the view you as a hypocritical christian who just puts on a christ-like show on thursday nights and then says screw you God every other day. We need to realize the impression we are giving others through our actions!! And, that showing God's love is the most important way to witness to non-believers. And really ya'll, it is the easiest way. All you have to do is be nice to people and commit to living a lifestyle for God, because really making Him the center of your world is the most fulfilling thing you can ever do!
"Your love must be real. Hate what is evil and hold on to what is good. Love each other like brothers and sisters. Give each other more honor than you want for yourselves."
Romans 12:9
I only have 5 weeks of school left. I really can't believe it. I feel like this year has lasted forever, but i also feel like it has flown by without me realizing it. I feel like i haven't done enough productive wise, but then again i feel like i have accomplished sooo much. I am just one big contradiction i guess. It seemed like high school passed by so much slower than college is, i don't like getting old. I can't imagine having a "real job" and making a salary. I mean granted i am only going to be a junior, but yet i feel like i should be deciding on the rest of my life. However, i have left that up to God to show me where he wants to place me to do His work. It is difficult however imagining graduating from Clemson and still having no idea where i am called to go. I guess i would move back home-scary thought!- no. i will go to Seminary or move in with a friend who is going to Grad School and bum off of them for a while. I mean that sounds pretty good. Or maybe i will just move to a foreign country, buy a bunch of cows, and be considered rich. I mean that would be pretty fantastic. Anyway, back to matters at hand. Truthfully, i have no insight on anything tonight. I am just bored and procrastinating because i feel that i have done enough work for today. I really wish we had some eggs so i could make brownies. I am really in the mood for brownie batter right now. But, the one egg that is in our fridge was "best if used by march 9th" i just don't feel like throwing it away. Poor little lonely egg. Last Saturday Sara and I went to Happy Tails (the local Blue Ridge pet store-don't hate) cause the sign said that they had ducks, chicks, and bunnies for easter. They were out of chicks and ducks- which was why i was going. It was sad. I think i would have bought a duck. Then my Mom would have killed me, but it would have been cute. I could have named him Daffy. Actually i would have probably named him something more clever like MC Hammer or something. I am all about giving animals famous people names. If i ever get a dog his name is going to be Lynard Skynard. No, really. It will be. I think it if i ever wrote a book it would be similar to Catcher in the Rye. Without all of the cursing of course. That boy just dropped the f bomb and g.d. an awful lot and that really bothered me. I liked it though cause it was just this random book about this random kid doing a bunch of random stuff. It gave me a laugh reading that book. Anyway, i really need to go to the store. I have no groceries in my apt. and the rest of my roommates went without me, without even telling me how that were going. That wasn't very nice, but i like going by myself anyway that way i can take as long as i want. And all the food up in this joint has labels all over it. Apparently that is the new theme within out apt, labeling food. I mean what the dump? really? is that necessary? i don't want your stupid cinnamon graham crackers so you don't need to label them as yours cause i am not gonna jack one. Whatever. It really doesn't bother me, i just wonder why. I think i wonder why on a lot of things. People are really strange. I mean i know we all have our quirks, but some people are really strange. No one specific, just people. I love the song Wagon Wheel. Carlye has gotten me addicted to it. I have been listening to it on repeat for the past like twenty minutes. It is a good background song. I am not sure i really even know what it is about. Maybe one time soon i will take the time to listen to it and actually pay attention to the words. Ok i think i have spent enough time rambling about random mess that those of you who are actually taking the time to read this don't care a lick about.
P.S. i really miss my NYLF buddies Sloane and Allison. I just realized how much i love them today when I talked to Sloane for the first time in a couple months. i love genuine awesome people. If you just read this whole thing then it's pretty guarenteed i love you a lot.
I love the book of Romans. Especially Roman's 12. I have been a fan of Romans 12:2 for quite some time, but i recently just read the whole chapter and it is absolutely amazing and can help in virtually any situation. The world has forgotten the true meaning of love. I firmly believe that is true. Everyone is so caught up in pleasing themselves they forget to do things for others. There are so many hypocrites everywhere that it is extremely rare to find a genuinely good person that isn't out to be your friend simply to get something for themselves. People forget that it is by God's grace that we are even here at all. It is by God's grace that we are saved from our sins and will live eternally in the best place imagineable (Heaven). Romans 12 says this, "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." -The Message
We forget that we should always be playing second fiddle to God. He is the master musician in our lives. It is so hard for us not to take complete control of our lives and run with what we think is right and what WE think is pleasing to God. We can only trust and pray to God for His mercy and ask Him to lead us toward what He has planned for our lives. At Newspring this morning Perry was talking about settling. We all do it, we get so comfortable in a routine that we just get into a pattern of what we like and we never change, we never stop to think about if what we are doing is what God really wants for us. I have felt lately that I have gotten into a routine, so I changed my routine and got out of my comfort zone and met some new people. I have been severely punished by my friends for doing this. It has been hard. I have not been loved by some of the people I considered closest to me lately. Romans says this about those people who are evil and judge you for changing your habits, "Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good...Don't hit back; discover the beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says god. "I'll take care of it." -The Message
I know i tend to get so bogged down with worrying if people don't like me or are mad at how i handle situations that it just eats at my soul. We need to remember that God always has our back if we are doing something that is pleasing to Him. We always need to remember that everything we do should be pleasing and for the glory of God. We forget that more times than we remember it i think, myself included.
I think maybe one day I will go to Kenya with Carlye. Do some health promoting over there. It has been on my mind a lot lately. Pray for me about that. Also pray that i become more eager in my schoolwork. I have been very uninterested lately and I need to be more focused on doing well.
Never settle. Always Learn. Keep faith strong. Love above all else. Remember God is so good!
