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Ready
(verse)
The pain of waiting
Is a tough test to withstand
Constantly glancing at my watch
Wondering what is taking you so long
The though of you makes it worth the wait
(pre-chorus)
I dream of you at night
I long to clutch your hand
To feel your warmth around me
Your Godliness leave me in awe
I long to hear your voice
To hear you say you love me too
(chorus)
Ready
I'm ready
Love
Is coming
You
You're amazing
Ready
(verse)
What is time?
With you there is none
No rushing to find you
I know you are there
Looking for me too
(chorus)
(chorus 2)
I'm ready
To look into your eyes
Love
To feel that with you
Wait
I will wait until you find me
My heart hidden in Christ
Desire
To call you my man
Ready
-Elizabeth Hedrick
4-26-08
These past two days have really taken a toll on my body and spirit. I am to the point of pure exhaustion. TakeNote's spring show is a week from today and we have been practicing nonstop. No seriously, I was at practice from 8 til 3:30 today and from 2:30-10:30 yesterday. I have so many dance moves and staging positions swimming in my head right now i feel like everything might just drain out of my ears. I long for relief and the feeling of my sanity coming back to my soul. I love spending time with those girls, truly i do, but just looking ahead to all the stuff that needs to get done is simply mind-boggling. I deeply pray that after next saturday I will sit back and think all of this was completely worth it because our show kicked major butt.
Sometimes i feel like the apostle Paul. Eagerly trying to spread the gospel in any way that i can, but everytime i feel like God's people are truly making a difference in lives i find something out that completely breaks my spirit and hope for the world. Now, my "world" mind you is Clemson. I feel like Clemson FCA can start a revolution on this campus through the many ways we minister throughout the community. I have recently felt even stronger that this was actually starting to happen. Then, just yesterday i find out things that make me so dumping mad that i want to scream. I openly hear from people that several girls that are involved in FCA and associate themselves with FCA and Godliness have the audacity not the treat people with the love of Christ. It makes me livid to think that people that claim to know God's word and affirm a belief that God's word should be spread everywhere possible do not even smile at people walking down the hall, or laugh when others screw up at something stupid making that person feel dumb, or act fake and talk about others behind their back, or openly brag about their God given talents. For those of you that don't know what the love of Christ is or how to share it with others i suggest you read the book of Romans. I also suggest you read the book Irrestistable Revolution. It will really open your eyes to what true love means. I just feel like our revolution is constantly taking one step forward and two steps back, simply by people acting like these girls that i found out about yesterday. What people don't understand is people watch you. If they know you are associated with FCA they watch how you act, they watch how you treat others and what type of lifestyle you lead. Then, most of the time the view you as a hypocritical christian who just puts on a christ-like show on thursday nights and then says screw you God every other day. We need to realize the impression we are giving others through our actions!! And, that showing God's love is the most important way to witness to non-believers. And really ya'll, it is the easiest way. All you have to do is be nice to people and commit to living a lifestyle for God, because really making Him the center of your world is the most fulfilling thing you can ever do!
"Your love must be real. Hate what is evil and hold on to what is good. Love each other like brothers and sisters. Give each other more honor than you want for yourselves."
Romans 12:9
I only have 5 weeks of school left. I really can't believe it. I feel like this year has lasted forever, but i also feel like it has flown by without me realizing it. I feel like i haven't done enough productive wise, but then again i feel like i have accomplished sooo much. I am just one big contradiction i guess. It seemed like high school passed by so much slower than college is, i don't like getting old. I can't imagine having a "real job" and making a salary. I mean granted i am only going to be a junior, but yet i feel like i should be deciding on the rest of my life. However, i have left that up to God to show me where he wants to place me to do His work. It is difficult however imagining graduating from Clemson and still having no idea where i am called to go. I guess i would move back home-scary thought!- no. i will go to Seminary or move in with a friend who is going to Grad School and bum off of them for a while. I mean that sounds pretty good. Or maybe i will just move to a foreign country, buy a bunch of cows, and be considered rich. I mean that would be pretty fantastic. Anyway, back to matters at hand. Truthfully, i have no insight on anything tonight. I am just bored and procrastinating because i feel that i have done enough work for today. I really wish we had some eggs so i could make brownies. I am really in the mood for brownie batter right now. But, the one egg that is in our fridge was "best if used by march 9th" i just don't feel like throwing it away. Poor little lonely egg. Last Saturday Sara and I went to Happy Tails (the local Blue Ridge pet store-don't hate) cause the sign said that they had ducks, chicks, and bunnies for easter. They were out of chicks and ducks- which was why i was going. It was sad. I think i would have bought a duck. Then my Mom would have killed me, but it would have been cute. I could have named him Daffy. Actually i would have probably named him something more clever like MC Hammer or something. I am all about giving animals famous people names. If i ever get a dog his name is going to be Lynard Skynard. No, really. It will be. I think it if i ever wrote a book it would be similar to Catcher in the Rye. Without all of the cursing of course. That boy just dropped the f bomb and g.d. an awful lot and that really bothered me. I liked it though cause it was just this random book about this random kid doing a bunch of random stuff. It gave me a laugh reading that book. Anyway, i really need to go to the store. I have no groceries in my apt. and the rest of my roommates went without me, without even telling me how that were going. That wasn't very nice, but i like going by myself anyway that way i can take as long as i want. And all the food up in this joint has labels all over it. Apparently that is the new theme within out apt, labeling food. I mean what the dump? really? is that necessary? i don't want your stupid cinnamon graham crackers so you don't need to label them as yours cause i am not gonna jack one. Whatever. It really doesn't bother me, i just wonder why. I think i wonder why on a lot of things. People are really strange. I mean i know we all have our quirks, but some people are really strange. No one specific, just people. I love the song Wagon Wheel. Carlye has gotten me addicted to it. I have been listening to it on repeat for the past like twenty minutes. It is a good background song. I am not sure i really even know what it is about. Maybe one time soon i will take the time to listen to it and actually pay attention to the words. Ok i think i have spent enough time rambling about random mess that those of you who are actually taking the time to read this don't care a lick about.
P.S. i really miss my NYLF buddies Sloane and Allison. I just realized how much i love them today when I talked to Sloane for the first time in a couple months. i love genuine awesome people. If you just read this whole thing then it's pretty guarenteed i love you a lot.
I love the book of Romans. Especially Roman's 12. I have been a fan of Romans 12:2 for quite some time, but i recently just read the whole chapter and it is absolutely amazing and can help in virtually any situation. The world has forgotten the true meaning of love. I firmly believe that is true. Everyone is so caught up in pleasing themselves they forget to do things for others. There are so many hypocrites everywhere that it is extremely rare to find a genuinely good person that isn't out to be your friend simply to get something for themselves. People forget that it is by God's grace that we are even here at all. It is by God's grace that we are saved from our sins and will live eternally in the best place imagineable (Heaven). Romans 12 says this, "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." -The Message
We forget that we should always be playing second fiddle to God. He is the master musician in our lives. It is so hard for us not to take complete control of our lives and run with what we think is right and what WE think is pleasing to God. We can only trust and pray to God for His mercy and ask Him to lead us toward what He has planned for our lives. At Newspring this morning Perry was talking about settling. We all do it, we get so comfortable in a routine that we just get into a pattern of what we like and we never change, we never stop to think about if what we are doing is what God really wants for us. I have felt lately that I have gotten into a routine, so I changed my routine and got out of my comfort zone and met some new people. I have been severely punished by my friends for doing this. It has been hard. I have not been loved by some of the people I considered closest to me lately. Romans says this about those people who are evil and judge you for changing your habits, "Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good...Don't hit back; discover the beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says god. "I'll take care of it." -The Message
I know i tend to get so bogged down with worrying if people don't like me or are mad at how i handle situations that it just eats at my soul. We need to remember that God always has our back if we are doing something that is pleasing to Him. We always need to remember that everything we do should be pleasing and for the glory of God. We forget that more times than we remember it i think, myself included.
I think maybe one day I will go to Kenya with Carlye. Do some health promoting over there. It has been on my mind a lot lately. Pray for me about that. Also pray that i become more eager in my schoolwork. I have been very uninterested lately and I need to be more focused on doing well.
Never settle. Always Learn. Keep faith strong. Love above all else. Remember God is so good!
Drowning has never been a fear of mine. I took swimming lessons at age 3. I mean i'm no Michael Phelps, but i can make it to shore if i was in a pinch. However, lately i feel like have been drowning, unable to reach the surface and gasp out for a glorious breath of air. My life right now is so overwhelming, in both good and bad ways. I love TakeNote this semseter! All the new girls are great and I think we are really going to shine musically. I like being Business Manager and having that responsibility and being a leader. I feel that is truly my place. I am very unmotivated with my schoolwork. I can't seem to convince myself that I need to study. I think i forgot over Christmas break that i am not in high school anymore. I think that small detail slipped my mind this past month. My classes have seemed so easy and meaningless, let alone boring and mundane. For the record if i hear anything about the Healthy People 2010 program one more time i think i just might lose it. I just find the more i find out about some of this stuff the less i care. I mean really who needs to know that you should have a social support system in order to make your life less stressful (i mean some things are just common sense). So, finding that i don't pay attention in class the tests that come all in the same week seemed to sneak up on me a bit. Not having the time to study sufficiently and not wanting to study did not make for a good combination. I just wish i could miraculously skip to some classes that i actually like and done will all this crap. I know most of this is probably meaningless to those of you that actually might be reading this. However, maybe someone is understanding.
Sometimes i can really be profound. Go really deep with questions and come up with mostly b.s. to make myself sound really theological. I know i have said this more than once, but i know nothing. Right now i am basically floating along wondering where the hell i am supposed to be going. I feel this strange urgency to get away. Go someone and just either write music or just sleep for a really long and relaxful time. I really like to be by myself sometimes. Doing what i want and just basking in the undertones or life that seems like it has just stopped for a little while because there is no one around to tell me otherwise. Maybe i do need to get away. I don't have time to get away. too many emails to reply to and to many powerpoint slides to print and memorize. I just have this urge to lay in a hammock, like the one at Cadie's beachouse in a really cute white sweater and a baggy sweatpants. Do you ever want to just read all day. I used to love to read romantic novels by Nicolaus Sparks and pretend some of those things were actually happending to me (not the tragic stuff that usually came along somewhere within the novel) but the happy gushy love stuff. Sadly, i feel that those days are gone and there is nothing but really life to attend to, too much is happening to fall into the pastimes of sappy love stories. Have i really become cynical and bitter? I really hope not.
This week i am going to try my best to keep my head above water. To swim along with the current and not work so hard. We'll see how that goes.
For those of you looking for something to do, read Matthew 5. It's a good one.
In small group last night we were having a really great discussion on committment. We talked about the difference in committment and complacency. We determined that committment is being satisfied with where you are at, but yet still wanted to move forward. Complacency is when you don't want to move forward. We, as Christians strive to be fully committed to God and His will, and most of us struggle with becoming complacent. There are times when we feel that God can do no more with us, or that God isn't really telling us to do something, or simply that we don't need to do anymore to grow in our relationship with God. That we are just fine staying right here.
Then, we began to discuss vision and how sometimes in life we fall behind. We commit to reading our bibles everyday and doing our quiet time and for a while we do really well, whether that "while" be a day or a week, but usually with the busy schedules of college students we fall behind. For me personally, once i get behind even for a day it is hard for me to catch back up, especially if you are doing one of those daily bible studies, which if you skip a day requires you to do twice as much reading as normal. Anyway, back to my point, we realized last night that many of us struggle with God's vision for us. We yearn to see His vision and want to follow through with what we feel is His will. But, when we fall behind we were worried that we might have missed the vision He had for us because we didn't have our quiet time and we might have missed that specific verse that was placed where we were supposed to read, to speak to us on that particular day.
Well, i am reading this book call the Irrestisble Revolution. (Hence the title of this blog) by a guy named Shane Claiborne. This dude with dreadlocks is on fire for God. He has done it all, he went to Calcutta and worked with Mother Teresa, he went to Iraq after the war started to minister to the Iraqi people, basically he risks his life all the time to share the word of God. Anywho, I am reading in Hendrix today trying to finish it before i turn 97 and i come across a passage talking about vision. This is what good ole Shane has to say about it:
"It is easy to fall in love with the great things, whether we are
revolutionaries or church growth tacticians. But we must never simply fall in love with our vision or our five-year plan. We must never fall in love with "the revolution" or "the movement." We can easily become so driven by our vision for church growth, community, or social justice that we forget the little things, like caring for those around us...Many congregations are in love with their mission and vision and rip one another apart in committee meetings trying to attain it. And many
social activists I know tear each other up and burn themselves out fighting for a better world while forgetting that the seeds for that world are right next to them."
HELLO!!! exactly what i was looking for. Now, you may have just read that and been like "i am not a revolutionary who is fighting about church growth and social reform", but i bet you have a vision for/of something. Whether it be going to med school is 2 years, getting a job at a big business firm, or going to Kenya to be a missionary- all of these are visions. What we need to know and realize is that we have to commit to God and His vision or us and once we have done that we have to look as the smaller things. Little visions, if you will, that can be life changing if you will let them. Even if it is something as simple as talking to the person that sits next to you in Math or realizing that going out every weekend and getting trashed is not what you need to be doing. We must first look small before we can see the big picture.
Oh and i really hope it wasn't illegal for me to quote stuff out of that book. Sorry, if it is...
Life is funny. Really, it is. If you know me you know that i am a organized person. I am a planner. I don't like unexpected things to change my set schedule. However, at this very moment i have no idea what i am doing. I have no idea where God is leading me and i am going to admit that i am not scared at all. For the first time i am not lost, but yet so found. Yeah i know Amazing Grace is coming to your mind, but really that is how i feel.
When i came to Clemson i knew exactly what i wanted to do. I didn't think i was going to be one of those people that was going to change their major 3 times. Well, then Strossner's Bakery happened over the summer and i decided that food science and owning a bakery was NOT what i was going to be doing for the rest of my life. So, i wanted to make an easy major change into something i thought i would like so i wouldn't be here for 7 yrs. So, i changed to health science. I decided that i would emphasize on education and promotion. Basically i was going to copy my mom, but instead of getting a nursing degree and end up teaching and promoting programs i would just get that degree to start off with. I wasn't exactly thrilled about having to go to grad school for public health in order for me to make a descent salary, but i figured that if it was something i really liked then it would be ok. So, i switched majors, signed up for 3 health classes this semester in order to catch up and dove right into planning my life once again. Well, God has a really hilarious sense of humor.
So, my preacher from home has been telling me for the past year that i was going to go into the ministry. No, not if i wanted to or thought i should, that i was going to so i better get myself prepared. I just laughed it off and knew pretty positively that God had not called me into the ministry. Well, it is really easy to ignore God. But, when He wants you to do something it is really easy for him to get your attention and say no no, THIS is what i want you to do. Signs were popping up everywhere that i was supposed to go into the ministry. Doing what i still have no idea. But, i am hoping that i will come to understand that with time. So, i am now going to minor in religion at Clemson. Which isn't going to be easy since i have to take 2 semesters of Anatomy next semester, but i will worry about that later.
God has worked to much in my life over the last year. It is really amazing to look back at the person that i used to be and the person i am now. It is amazing how much God can work into someone's life. I have no idea where i am going to go after i get that health science degree from Clemson. But, for once i am ok with that.
Oh, and i am not a blogger. I just figured i would try this to get some of my pent up thoughts out.
Ready
